The Goodbye Girl - My Rules/Elliott Garfield Grant Lyrics

Paula

You pay for phone calls, laundry, linen and utilities
I don't make beds or clean, I'm not your chambermaid
You'll use the kitchen and the powder room facilities
When I'm not in them and when all your bills are paid
I want no drinking, drugging, smoking on the premises
Spare us your vulgar, loud off-Broadway calvacade
Disturb my daughter and you'll find no greater nemesis
And stick to language out of Disney on parade

My rules are clear
We'll both pretend that you're not really here
My rules are court
Just follow them and no one will get hurt

Elliot

No!

Paula

No?

Elliot

I'm not happy with the arrangements.

Don't speak
I need your attention, I'm not gonna say this twice
I'm your landlord and this piece of paper says
You've gotta treat me nice,
Lady, I'm the one with the rulebook
Who'll say what you can do and can't
Cause you're living on an Elliot Garfield
An Elliot Garfield grant
God love em
You're living on an Elliot Garfield
An Elliot Garfield grant

Push me
And you will discover
That you're gonna be exiled
You're the guest of my private foundation
You and your poster child
I'm the one who's giving the orders
A not-too-commandant
Ten-hut
You're living on an Elliot Garfield
An Elliot Garfield grant

Look at the gutter and know
There but for the grace of Elliot
Outside it's seven below
You're here, you're warm, you're dry
And I'm the reason why
What a guy

Henceforth we're doing it my way
And there will be no disputes
Think of me as a permanent fixture
I'm planning to set down roots
From now on I'm part of the landscape
A tough indigenous plant
Sunshine

You're living on an Elliot Garfield
An Elliot Garfield grant
No applause, please
You're living on an Elliot Garfield

My rules, my sweet
Your choice is to submit or hit the streets

I like to shower every morning
And I don't like your panties wringing wet on the rod
And if you have to leave your razor on the sink
You run the risk I'll turn into Sweeney Todd
As I'm a crazy kind of guy
Who can't predict when nature calls
Or hunger seizes me
I'll use this honey of a bathroom and the
Goddam kitchen
Anytime it pleases me

I hate an over-heated habitat
As grab a quilt and leave the thermostat to me
I always sleep completely naked, buffo
Window open winter, spring through fall
So if you care to spare your daughter
A reluctant introduction to anatomy
I'd bolt my door at night
And keep that precious kid of yours
From wandering the hall

You have a chip on your shoulder the size
Of the Empire State
Call your charm school and ask for a refund
While I hyperventilate
Get a booster shot for distemper
Then try not to rave and to rant

Lambchop, you're living on an Elliot Garfield
An Elliot Garfield grant
Mister nice guy
You're living on an Elliot Garfield
An Elliot Garfield grant
Don't thank me
You're living on an Elliot Garfield
An Elliot Garfield grant