Ihop Borders - If I... Lyrics

I don't understand myself, life is unbelievable
Only a few years ago my family had never even owned a vehicle
I remember falling asleep to lullabies
Of gangfights and drive-by's
Yet something about that life was so nice
No sleepless nights, no internal fights
Now that I've moved on in life
Moved to a more secure place,
Somehow I feel less safe
As if someone took away the sunny days
I don't understand why the hell I feel this way
My mood changes so many times throughout the day
If life isn't so bad then why am I so sad?
I suppose it could be much worse, I could be in Syria
So I really shouldn't complain
Yet there's there's this pain embedded in my brain
I tried hard to remove it, but no matter what I do, yet it remains

If I'm so good, and excel at this shit...
Then tell me...
Why can't I make a damn hit?
If I'm so amazing and you love me
Then tell me...
Tell me why, I feel so ugly?
If I'm so adored that peeps want to be my homie
Then why....
In the hell do I feel so lonely?
If I'm alive and should be content...
Then why?
Tell why the hell my whole world is bent?

I'm finally getting props, people keep bumping my tracks like
"Heyo, Hop, keep it up with the raps"
Yet I still wish I could take it allback
Somehow I make the best music, when I'm at my worst
When I'm angry or depressed is when I spit my best verse
I suppose it's a gift, but it's also a curse
I'm at a cross roads, and I don't know what to make of this
I have the mind of a god, and the heart of an atheist
If smart went crazy, then I am the craziest
It's a constant battle, between the genius and madness
Producing greatness out of turmoil and sadness
I have a picture to paint, these beats are my canvas
I wonder, will I ever reach my goal?
The weather outside matches perfectly with what you can find
Inside my soul
It feels so dark, everything is grey and goddamn cold

If I'm so good, and excel at this shit...
Then tell me...
Why can't I make a damn hit?
If I'm so amazing and you love me
Then tell me...
Tell me why, I feel so ugly?
If I'm so adored that peeps want to be my homie
Then why....
In the hell do I feel so lonely?
If I'm alive and should be content...
Then why?
Tell why the hell my whole world is bent?

I feel out of place, like I don't belong
Don't know how to do anything else, so I pen this song
I suppose people will listen, they might even relate
If what I'm doing is so great then why is there so much hate?
Why does time pass by so fast when I'm having fun
Yet every second feels like an eternity when I'm down in the slums?
I suppose that's relativity
I think I lack the right ability to be feeling free
There's something inside that's always willing me to write
About the ills I see so the only time I feel at ease
And find some inner peace is rhyming over ill ass beats
I hate long nights where I explore my mind, and find where the darkness dwells
I suppose the hardest thing is just to be yourself
People seem to sense greatness in me
But when I stare at the mirror I don't see what they see
Regardless I'll continue to write cuz I have a drive
This is like breathing to me, homeboy, I need it to survive

If I'm so good, and excel at this shit...
Then tell me...
Why can't I make a damn hit?
If I'm so amazing and you love me
Then tell me...
Tell me why, I feel so ugly?
If I'm so adored that peeps want to be my homie
Then why....
In the hell do I feel so lonely?
If I'm alive and should be content...
Then why?
Tell why the hell my whole world is bent?