Ivor Biggun - Probing Andromeda Lyrics

Mission Control at Mablethorpe TEN
Good ship Herpes on the launching pad NINE
Some syrup of figs from m' Grandma EIGHT
An' trouser-clips from m' dad SEVEN
Seconds away from blast off PIG
Waiting for the final command FIVE
Sitting here in a tin can FOUR
With me helmet in me hand THREE
Final check-up on me modules TWO
And the best of British Luck ONE
Eer, hang on a minute! I've changed me mind...
Get shut of I'm Oh f*ck!

And I'm floatin' in a most peculiar way
I'm heading for Uranus so it's really not your day
To boldly go where no bold bastard ever boldly flew
But I've got to get back by Tuesday 'cos me lib'ry book's overdue

This is your Captain speaking...
What's your height and attitude?
I'm five foot seven in me Y-fronts and pig-ignorant and rude
What's the status of your airlocks?
Eer, they're danglin' in the breezes
Are you yanking on your joystick?
No! I'm dodging Zanussi freezers...
What course are you taking for the asteroids?
Suppositories twice daily
Have you seen the comets?
No, I haven't even seen Bill Haley

But I'm floating in a most peculiar way
An' feeling Major Tom and dick
As the capsule starts to sway
You can't spew down the lavatory in zero gravity
You've got to heave in the Hoover
I've been 'round Venus with me hands on me penis
Looking for a docking manoeuvre

We have a small problem Herpes
Eyoop! The light's gone out!
We're losing radio contact...
Well, I'll open up the window and shout...
The chip pan's alight, me biro won't write
The android's blown a circuit
Me inflatable lady has just sprung a leak
And I haven't got a puncture repair kit
Oh bollocks! This is Ivor Biggun
Hello Mission Control
I've bust me ukulele
And I can't find the toilet roll
Now where's my little portable job?
I might feel better if I twiddle the knob

By Jupiter Mr. President
Just look at the radar glass
It-ain't-one-of-ours-so-it-must-be-one-of-theirs
So let's press a button and bust some ass
Igor Beaver sonofabitch, there on the radar look
A million Yankee missiles press-a-button-and-blow-'em-all-to...

Oooh dear, planet Earth just blew and there's nothing I can do
And just to think I only came up her to get an aerial view
Over the Sutton-On-Sea nudist beach
Isn't life full of surprises...

I'm floating in a most peculiar way...