Nick Romriell - My X-MO Testimony Lyrics

Consider this the beliefs of Nick Romriell
Mingled with comedy
I desire a small subset of the population on earth
To receive it

I'd like to bear my X-MO testimony
And unlike how I was taught to testify
Inside the Mormon church
By making I know statements all the time
About, let's be real here
Completely unverifiable, supposed truths
While being handsomely rewarded
Through lots of positive social reinforcement
Everything I'm about to say here is
Well, simply my subjective opinion
And lived experience
Which, ironically, is a hell of a lot closer
To the objective truth
Than my old manipulated Mormon Testimonies
Ever were
Thank you science and meta-cognition
For making my life a f*ck load better
You're the best
Okay, maybe second best
Because
Coffee

I believe that the Mormon church is a
Fantasy-filled religious cult
That instilled in me
A sense of superiority, ongoing anxiety
A lack of open-mindedness
A strong feeling of never being good enough
And scary f*cking mind control
That blocked off an incredibly vast
And rich part of my personality
And overall life experience

I believe that Joseph Smith was nothing more than a
Charismatic, imaginative, hard working
Pious, bullshitting, horny, cheating, polygamous
Polyandrous fraudster
That's right, I believe he was a
F*cking religious fraudster

I know that, due to Mormon missionaries
My family moved from the British Isles
In the mid 1800's
And left behind future opportunities
For such modern day conveniences as
Universal health care
Long-term college debt relief
And an incredibly charming accent
And traded it all for the chance to
Receive the blessings of Jesus Christ
By moving to God's chosen land of
Idaho

I believe that the current
Insert Mormon church president name here
Is just another well-accomplished
Old, white, male, CEO
With a ninety-nine point nine nine percent chance
Of being from
Utah

I believe that all families live, they die
And create mental issues for everyone involved
All along the way

I believe Mormon temple clothing
Looks like the Romans, the Greeks, and the Masons
Had a drunken and very regretful threesome

I do, in fact, know, that the mainstream Mormon church
Actively hid hundreds of billions of dollars
In secret, for-profit shell companies
From the government and the members of the church
For more than two decades
Yes, apparently, Jesus Christ wants his
One and only true restored church on earth
To hoard billions of dollars
Instead of giving it to the poor and the needy
I guess I missed that verse in the
Well, all the scriptures, Mormonism
All your scriptures
I missed it
Couldn't find it anywhere in there
Still can't

I believe that brainwashing children
AKA, thought reform
Is an incredibly effective long-term strategy
For Mormonism and any other
Religious cult or institution
Because, well
Two words
Human Biology

I know, thanks to science
That that big ass membership number
From the Mormon church
Is smoke and mirrors

I know that strong emotional manipulation
Is incredibly hard shit to escape from, heal from
And move on from
I know this because I've actively been working
On healing from this manipulation
For over a decade now, and can finally say
That the Mormon church and it's harmful culture
No longer plays a role in my life
Except for this
This just happens to be me having fun
Going on the public record
From my walk-in closet studio

I know that I feel better, healthier, happier
More fulfilled, less anxious, and like I'm actually
Mostly in control of my short-ass-life
Now that I have escaped from the mainstream
Bullshitting Mormon fantasy-filled church

I know there's no f*cking chance in Kolob
That God cursed the Native Americans
With darker shades of skin color
Due to the terrible sins that they supposedly committed
There's also no f*cking chance
That any of the holy scripture racist bullshit
That Joe inserted into Mormonism is true!
Sorry Joe, but the twenty-first century
Happens to be kickin' your racist ass

I am never going back
However, if I were to show up tomorrow
They'd be more than happy to ask me to repent
And, you know, go through one or two years of
Disciplinary council
Because that's what every grown adult wants
To be put in time-out
Like a f*cking four-year-old!

I believe I spent far too much of my life
And worked my ass off far too many hours
Trying to conform to, what I now understand
And believe to simply be nothing more than
A multibillion-dollar corporation's made up culture
Rules, and social norms
All so that I was able to be worthy of
The white historically inaccurate
Mormon Jesus

I believe, with some seriously strong conviction
That I won't ever receive any type of apology
For all the harmful mind control the Mormon church
Performed on me from the time I was very young
It's simply a rich-as-f*ck religious institution
Based in the USA
So, heh, of course
It can pretty much do whatever the f*ck it wants
Even if the leaders felt like they needed to
Apologize to people, they wouldn't
Because it would be struck down
In a committee anyways
Lucky for me, I don't need your
F*cking apologies at this point
I am far beyond that now
Although, getting all my tithing money back
As well as the thousands of hours of volunteer work
I performed, would be pretty f*cking sweet

I believe that sex before marriage
Is, for sure, not the next worst sin to murder!
Nope
Everybody outside of the Mormon cult knows
That it's actually misplacing your goddamn TV remote
In the ever-present black hole
Located somewhere beneath
Your partially stained couch cushion
It is ironic though, isn't it?
How the founding member
Of the Mormon church
Was actually quite skilled
At getting women to have sex before marriage
Turns out, they were all f*cking sinners!
All those women
Yeah, all there fault
Joseph Smith had nothing to do with it
He was just a righteous guy
Trying to restore the full gospel on earth
That's all
He just needed his concubines to just f*ck
As much as he could
Hence his new temple name
Highly Hypocritical Horny Bro Joe

I believe that, contrary to the Mormon
Outdated Word of Wisdom health code
Coffee happens to be the greatest of all
Drinkable substances on this earth
And I am very confident that I am a more
Consistently stable individual ever since
I began drinking this god-like cocktail
Of chemicals every day
Thank you, coffee gods, for always being there for me
I could just give you a big fat
F*cking kiss on the cheeks right now
Mmwwaa

I believe the best thing of all I got from being Mormon
Was my amazing kick-ass wife
Thankfully, we both escaped the bullshit
Mind manipulation and have given
What I believe to be the greatest gift
Of all to our children
Freedom from dogmatic religious
Cult thinking and persuasion
You're welcome kiddos
Ya lucky little f*cks
Enjoy that freedom
It tastes so f*cking good!
Mmm

I believe that a simple meditation technique
Has done more for my well-being
My awareness and my sanity
In the past few years
Than more than three decades of Mormon prayer
Ever did for me
Imagine that, paying closer attention
To my actual thoughts and feelings
As they are
Without judgement, manipulation
Or trying to please a God
Or fit into a fantasy-filled religious narrative
Moves me closer towards a true
Understanding of myself
And my place in the world
Unbelievable!
But thus
It doth appeareth to be trueth


Oh yeah, and
I know that Brussels sprouts
Are f*cking amazing!
If you haven't tried 'em you should
There, there's my proselytizing for the day
Brussels sprouts people
Go eat some f*ckin' Brussels sprouts!
Okay
I'm serious!

And now it's time to wrap my testimony up
With some apropos amens

In the name of the god's of
Actually comfortable and sexy underwear
Amen

In the sacred name of no more f*cking
Cognitive dissonance in my life!
Amen

In the ever-holy name of no more
Book of Mormon bullshit
Amen

In the name of the god's of financial transparency
Amen

In the name of the god's of no more f*cking gaslighting
Amen

In the name of dark roasted
Freshly brewed 12-ounce cups of coffee
A-f*ckin'-men