Stanley Ray - Dear Family... Lyrics

This last one I'm gonna have to speak.
I can't sing this one.
From my heart to you...
Dear Family,

Listen, I know I'm not the perfect son
To my mom and dad,
Or the best older brother
My younger siblings ever had.
But that doesn't matter now,
I already screwed up.
It's because of me that our past is all
Chopped and chewed up.
All I wanted was to be seen
But I was overlooked so that made me mean.
I seeked validation from my dad
But was always shot down and called a fag.
I used my little brother as my punching bag.
Living with it now makes me so sad.
I never wanted to hurt him,
He was my best friend.
Just like him I wanted to win,
But I'd always lose so I seeked revenge.
Lookin' back, the way I treated
Him makes me cringe.
And the memories of my behavior
Haunt me to no end.
I was always in his shadow.
I needed something to fill that hole.
I wished I had a big brother,
I never wanted this role.
But hurting my family was never my goal.
I love my brother, I was just jealous.
But I wasn't loved the same way he was,
So it made me rebellious.

Dad, I know you've been gone for years,
But you're the reason I still fear.
I watched you abuse mom.
Those memories still explode
In my head like a bomb.
Her screams, I can't unhear that sound.
Why couldn't you just put the f*ckin' beer down?
It's so hard to forgive you dad.
I'm still so angry and so mad.
I'm traumatized beyond words.
There's nothing I could do to mend this hurt.

Momma, you lied to me so many times.
For years I tried to understand why.
Endless broken promises,
Because of you I have trust issues.
When you'd leave I'd cry because I missed you.
I just wanted you to come home.
Now all I have is this song.
I justified your actions for too long.
But now I realize I was wrong.
In and out of my life.
Til this day it cuts me like a knife.
All you had to do was try.
Everytime you left it killed me to say goodbye.
I hated seeing dad beat you.
I hated the way he'd treat you.
But I was too small so I couldn't help.
And now I forever blame myself.
Til this day it burns,
That you never had any concern,
That I never got my turn,
To finish growing up so I could learn.
Now I'm forced to be an adult alot sooner.
The stress and anxiety spread throughout
My body like a tumor.
I'm so torn.
Maybe I was better off unborn.