Zach Snyder - Zach Snyder's Netflix Comedy Special Lyrics

Thank you, thank you, thank you
This is my first time in Albuquerque, I've always heard of the city
But I never thought it was a real thing
I mean, who the hell would name anything Alburquerque
Then again, we have parents naming their kids all kinds of wild things these day
I was watching the news the other day, and get this, a kid went missing
Yea I know, it's some sad shit. Fortunately though, his name was Axel Thor Smith
So I give it about a week before the kidnapper returns the kid back to the original parents
Because let's be honest, Axel will start to show his entitlement
He started asking for the blue burlap bag, instead of the red one
And no kidnapper wants to deal with that
Anyways
I have a confession to make
I, as a human being, hate literally everything that has to do with taking a shit
Alright hear me out
When you feel the urge to take a shit - it's one of two things
It's either - Oh shit, I think I need to go take a shit soon
But if you're busy, you can hold it, you'll just feel uncomfortable for a while
Or situation 2 - Oh shit, I gotta go take a shit immediately
I might not making it to the bathroom in time
And usually, that second situation, is because you sat there
Playing Clu Clu Land on your Nintendo Switch for far too long
And if that's the case - just take your switch to the bathroom with you silly

Either way, I hate taking shits. They're never fun
It's just 22 minutes of onslaught, backwards ass violation
Yes, 22 minutes. I don't care if you spend less time in the bathroom than me
Maybe I have a problem, maybe I should get this checked out, but regardless
It's not fun
Now part of this time is spent on my phone, right?
I mean, back in the day, when I was a kid - you gotta go take a shit - you go to the bathroom
The only thing to keeping you company is the alphabet stickers on the shower door
And the left over toilet paper rolls on the floor
Now, we have all of human history's entertainment in the palm of our hands
So theoretically, you never have to leave the bathroom ever again

But my problems with shits, besides the fact that they can be painful is
There's always the chance of something going wrong
Like when you go to whip your ass, there's always this very small
Insignificant chance that shit is gonna get on your hand
Tell me I'm wrong
Tell me you've never accidentally got shit on your hands
You got the toilet paper in your hand, you go to wipe and oh f*ck
You got way more shit on your ass than you bargained for
Now you need more toilet paper, now you need to wash your hands
And you might also need to go to doctor - I don't know, I'm not a proctologist

Speaking of toilet paper. This is the currency of the bathroom world
Toilet paper and money are basically the exact same thing
They're both paper
They bet get used up way too fast
Your family or friends feel entitled to take it when they need it

The only difference between toilet paper and money, is that there's a one-way exchange
You can use money to buy toilet paper, but you can't use toilet paper to get money
Trust me I've tried

And see we spend money on some useless shit, but toilet paper is in its own league
We say we're evolved, we say we're civilized, but in reality we're just whipped
We actually work hard hours to put shit on a piece of a paper

So that's why in current year, I have made the very long and hard decision
To take the more esteemed path and begin wiping with my hand
If there's always the chance for shit to get on my hand during a bathroom session
I say why waste money in the process?
I'm gonna save that money and go buy more Taco Bell

Alright that's all the time I have left, thank you for coming out, and I hope you have a good night