David Hyde Pierce - Bishop's Song Lyrics

[BISHOP, spoken]
Peace be unto this house!
And peace be unto all of you, my brothers and sisters
Peace and harmony and abundance—

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
Um, I'm very sorry—Bishop, is it?

[BISHOP, spoken]
Yep

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
We were just headed to dinner

[BISHOP, spoken]
Okay

[MARIANNE]
Oh, no, no, wait, I've never met a bishop!
But aren't you supposed to be clad in radiant scarlet?

[BISHOP]
Scarlet is higher
I love your slippers, by the way
Rrr rrr rrr rrr rrr
Very fetching

[LEO, spoken]
Maybe another time, Your Holiness—?

[BISHOP, spoken]
This won't take a second

[BISHOP]
Pre-poured martinis

[BISHOP, spoken]
Wonderful!
Please, stay near, my child
This may relate to you
Now, does anybody here have any
Spiritual needs?
Spiritual needs?
Anyone?

[LEO, spoken]
No

[BISHOP, spoken]
Well, do any of you think about the
Meaning of life?
Meaning of life?
Any of you?
Good. Anybody else?
Meaning of life? God? Death?
Anyone for purgatory?
Now those shoes are cute
Are they Fendi?

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
Bishop—please—how can we help you?
Practically

[BISHOP]
Well, I could use a job
You could give me a job
I'm a terrible priest
No, I'm in the wrong job
I keep spilling the wine
I keep crumbling the wafers
I have no charisma

In the middle of Mass
All I think is: My miter
Should be tighter
I mean, why a bishop?
Why not an anarchist?
Why not a bartender?
I could be anything!
Why a bishop?

Don't get me wrong
I love the Church
And I don't only mean the clothes
I mean the statues and the windows
And the rows of yearning people
And the special parking
And oh, the music—!
What else to call it but "divine?"
And then of course, there's God

Don't get me wrong
I love my God
Though I don't always understand Him
Or agree
Like, do we really need the droughts?
And the floods?
And the plagues?
And the earthquakes?
And the universal suffering and—
See?
Does that sound like a priest?
Oh, those slippers, really fetching (Ruff)

Now if I were a cook
I'm not bad as a cook
I could work as a cook
In a nice country house—

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Darling?

[BISHOP]
—With a fabulous terrace—

[LEO, spoken]
We have a cook

[BISHOP]
Where they could use a gardener

[MARIANNE, spoken]
You're a gardener, too?

[BISHOP]
I could learn

[LEO, spoken]
No

[BISHOP]
Wouldn't anybody like to have their windows washed?

[COLONEL MARTIN, spoken]
No

[BISHOP]
Their sinks repaired?

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
No

[BISHOP]
Their faith restored?

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
No

[BISHOP]
Their lives renewed?

[PAUL, spoken]
No

[BISHOP]
Their anything anything?

[COLONEL MARTIN, CLAUDI, RAFFAEL & PAUL, spoken]
No!

[BISHOP]
All I want is a job
Where I'd be of some use
Where I'd know who I was
Where I'd make people feel that they matter
Although none of us does—
In the big picture, I mean...
Something different, at least
God knows
I'm a terrible priest
And if anyone should know
God knows, it's God