Denis O'Hare - Waiter's Song Lyrics

[WAITER]
I am so sorry, Madam
We have no decaf latte mocchaniños
With soy milk
Today

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
Fine. Skip the soy

[WAITER]
What can I say?

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
I said fine. Regular is f—

[WAITER]
That's not the problem, Madam
The problem isn't just the soy
You see
It's more than just the soy

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
Yeah, so?

[WAITER]
I couldn't be more sorry, madam
But sad to say, the fact is
That not only do we have no soy—

[PAUL, spoken]
Oh, boy

[CLAUDIA]
Don't tell me that

[CLAUDIA, spoken & WAITER]
You have no mocha- We have no mocha

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
Then just a decaf latte, I don't-

[WAITER]
We're also out of latte

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
What?

[WAITER]
We do expect a little latte later
But we haven't got a lotta latte now

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
You can't be out of lattе
That would mean you're out of milk

[WAITER]
Sir, not only are wе out of milk
We're out of cream
We're out of half-and-half

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
The caffe latte without the lat-

[WAITER]
We're also out of caf

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
Not even de-?

[WAITER]
Is that a laugh?

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
All right then, tea
Twining's Earl Grey
Bag on the side

[WAITER]
Ah, yes, well

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
Don't tell me-

[WAITER]
I am so sorry, Madam
I do apologize
It's unforgivable
I'm so embarrassed
But not only are we out of Earl Grey
We're out of Earl Green
We're out of Earl Red and Blue
And everything in between

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
Okay then, Lipton's, I don't care, whatever-

[WAITER]
I apologize profusely, Madam
But we're shit out of tea
Today

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
You've gotta be kidding

[WAITER]
Je suis désolé

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
Fine. Diet Coke with lem-

[WAITER]
Madam, if I may
I forgot to say
By the way
We have no Coke
We have no Sprite
We have no Mountain Dew
No Fresca Lite
And I should add, although I do
Regret it:
If you're thinking beer or wine
Forget it

[LEO, spoken]
Yeah, let's just order
Gimme the abalone omelette, runny, extra saffron

[WAITER, spoken]
Excellent choice

[MARIANNE, spoken]
I've changed my mind about manna
I crave huevoth rancheroth

[WAITER, spoken]
A thuperb thelection

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
I'll do the blood pudding
Make it vampiric

[WAITER, spoken]
Nice

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
I will have the curried goat hash

[WAITER, spoken]
Ah, bah, splendid

[PAUL, spoken]
Do I want the Malay duck?

[WAITER, spoken]
It is an unparalleled experience

[PAUL, spoken]
Done

[FRITZ, spoken]
I'm gonna go basic
A cheeseburger, medium
That's California medium
Only pink around the edges

[LEO, spoken]
Just bring the shit, will you?
We're starving!

[WAITER, spoken]
Ah, yes
Well, perhaps I should have mentioned

[LEO, spoken]
What?

[WAITER]
I am so sorry, sir, but
We're out of abalone omelettes
Although I have to say they are delicious
And I'm sure you'd like them if we had them
But we don't

[LEO, spoken]
Oh, for Christ's sake!
Then make it two hashes, only make my goat medium-

[WAITER]
Nor have we any hash
Never mind the curried goat
And wait, I made a note
Oh yes, the huevos-
Nada, sorry
Right, who had the duck?
You're out of luck

[PAUL, spoken]
F*ck

[WAITER]
As for the, blech, blood pudding
Well, I wouldn't recommend it anyway

[MARIANNE, PAUL, LEO, CLAUDIA, FRITZ & RAFFAEL, spoken]
What do you have? It's false advertising!
I want to talk to a manager! Let's go to another restaurant
I cannot eat in this condition!

[WAITER]
Oh
On behalf of the entire management and staff
And international consortium
That owns and operates the Café Everything
I can't apologize enough
I just may go and kill myself
That's what I'll do, I'll kill myself
I'd rather kill myself
Than have to tell you
We're completely out of food

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
How rude

[RAFFAEL, spoken]
No?

[WAITER]
Of any kind

[MARIANNE, spoken]
Well, never mind

[WAITER]
I should have given you some warning
But it's been a very busy morning

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
Then why the hell did you take our orders?

[WAITER, spoken]
Madam, that's my job
I'll go check on that water

[PAUL, spoken]
I thought he wanted to kill himself

[LEO, spoken]
Café Nada, they oughta call it

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
Hey! Could you make that sparkling?

[MARIANNE, spoken]
What in the world was that?

[FRITZ, spoken]
That was a gunshot

[CLAUDIA, spoken]
Because I asked for sparkling?
Why don't we go to Bistro à la Mode?
It's French deconstructivist cuisine

[LEO, spoken]
Well, back to square one
Everybody into the car